Your Grace finds me in my chaos

In more prayers than I can count I have asked for more patience and grace.  For as long as I can remember it has been a struggle in my life towalk gracefully through a stressful situation.

When we first found out that we were having our newest miracle so soon, I hit my knees asking for Him to be there with an abundance of it.  I knew that I wanted another baby, but like each time before it didn't work out in my time frame.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to be the mother I needed to be to all of these crazy kiddos that depended so much on me. 

After a quite tiring pregnancy, our little miracle came to us in quite a miraculous way!  The first days were awesome, followed by an amazing first couple of weeks with Daddy being home and taking care of most things.  Then came time to transition back to normal.  I wondered would I ever be able to get our house back on schedule.  The answer is NO.  And I am thankful for it. 

Something happened.  God did show up!  Our little princess is now three months and our schedule has been crazily wonderful since she came.  We try to come close to our routine, but there is an amazing Grace each day.  Even in the busiest time in our life, where we are on the go more than ever before, we are doing it together as a family. 

 I have wondered how my kids are doing and if we are doing it right.  Then many times in the past few weeks I have been graciously encouraged by precious women that probably have no idea that I needed to hear their kind words.  Really they were God's words spoken through them. 

So recently when the kids are screaming or dinner doesn't get made, I remember that God has blessed me and our house with a supernatural grace that passes all understanding and  that people are noticing it too.

I am far, far from where I hope to one day be.  I still loose my temper and yell when I shouldn't, but I know that God is growing me.  I am farther than I was last year.  I am blessed!

Mental Shift

So yesterday I wrote a post that was sort of a "poor me " one.  Thankfully God prompted me to save it and not actually post it.  I will have to keep it as a reminder of what I am like when my focus is on me.
It all started out with "I" am tired and "I" am getting bigger.  Then it grew into "I" should ... (lots of things).  It was at an all time high of "you" (whoever, but usually Matt)  should be doing ______ for me.  Which all lead to my pity party I had this weekend.  All the while I was wondering why I was in such a funk and feeling so lousy and eating so much crap in hopes to feel better, but of course not doing the job.  Why I wasn't hearing from God like I wanted to and why my kids were being so crabby!  My husband just didn't understand me and wasn't being very nice.  Well, It should have tipped me off when it was everyone else, right?  No it didn't.
Today I was gently reminded by God, through an amazing pastor, that when my view turned to me (tired, big, overwhelmed) and not to who God was wanting me to pour into, that I was hindering Him from filling me.  I was drained for sure, but not open so that He could give me the replenishment I was asking for and so needing.  It is amazing, I am still as big and pregnant as before and actually on less sleep, but feel more rejuvenated then I have it a bit. 

It isn't suppose to be on how I feel though.  So my shift is to now and will be reshifted as needed in the future to "who" can I help, love, and pour myself into so that my replenishment can come from God.  Which I am sure is a relief to those around me in whom I have been expecting it from as of late.  I will pour more of me in those times of feeling depleted so that refilling will come. 

I am not sure why I am continually in need of refocusing, but this stumbling child seems to "occasionally" get off track.  I am so thankful for a God, and amazing circle of people in my life who are patient with me as I regroup.  And who will stay by me through it all and still accept me when I come to my senses.

So I pray that my view will stay focused on God's leading and those in need.  That I will stay rooted in love and see this hurting world through His eyes.  And that I will daily live as an example of His beautiful, merciful, accepting, replenishing, amazing love to all of those that He graciously brings into my life.  Lord, help me to always keep my eyes on You and let you guide them to those You want me to see.  And never allow me to value myself, feelings, and situation too highly, as there are always those who are in a more desperate situation.  And all that really does is cloud my vision and close myself off to You. 

Peace

I had the most amazing conversation yesterday.  I can't believe that I am married to a man who is so wise when I need him to be.  I am truely blessed more than I give credit for most days.

I have really been struggling with answers.  There are so many that I do not have and don't know how to get.  I didn't realize the effect that it was having on me and my family.  I have been wondering why stress has been coming so easily and fustrations are involved in most of my days.  I have prayed, rebuked, and cried with little change. 

Finally I open up to Matt, like he hasn't notice right?  I told him how I was feeling.  With lots of caution, love, and plenty of God's help, He told me that I need to be okay with making mistakes, not having the answers, and not being able to figure everything out.  Simple, right?  It hit me and hard.  He told me that he and the kids would all be okay if I made a bad decision even a big one.

Why is this a revelation to me?  I know all of this.  I guess just didn't for my own life.  How much more is there that I know, but don't really know it for me?

This has been my distraction!  The enemy has had me so wrapped up in these situations that my growth has been stunted lately.  It is amazing how after just that conversation the weight that has left, the peace that has come, and this morning the revelation I once again received (even though small) by reading His Word. 

Thank you God for awakening me to me, to the distraction.  Help me to not allow distraction in my life! 

You won't win!!

Enemy,

I just wanted to inform you that all the victories God gave me are still mine!  All of the attempts to distract me will not work.  All of the attacks on those that I love are wounding, but never crippling.  I will overcome, I will move forward into all that He has for me.  I will not quit holding on to His promises for my life and my family's.  God's plan will prevail in my life!  You will loose this battle. 

So take note that your attempts are futile!  I have already won!

Kati

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Seeing

I came upstairs and saw your Cinderella doll and your milk cup in the window sill of our room.  When I went into the bathroom the tie to my sweater was tied to the bathroom towel rack.  It really struck me in that moment of how these moments will not last forever and that one day I won't see these little presents you give to me.  One day you will grow up and leave behind these "childish" things, but I hope that you know I will always treasure them.

I went into your room just to see you once more before falling asleep and was once again amazed by how beautiful you are.  I had to just watch you sleep for awhile.  God has truely blessed me with such a wonderful little girl.

I am so thankful when He stops me long enough to take these special moments in.  I pray that I don't allow myself to ever get to busy where I will miss them.

I am off to some much needed sleep, but I might go in one more time to get a short snuggle with my little firstborn.

Imagine

Dare I dream?

A cool river gently running, the water is so refreshing.  Along side there are bluffs to climb and forests to explore.  The excitement and amazement of the beauty that is there to for me to find.  To my delight I discovery something wonderful.  I show You and see the approval on Your face and that You share in my delight.  As I continue in this place of awe and wonder You walk with me, enjoying me.  You are so patient and genuinly happy to just be with me.  You encourage me to go on.  I  run like a child so carefree then I stop to sit by You, to talk, to listen.  You tell me of how much You love me, not for what I've done, but simply for who I am.  My heart is exploding with love and desire for more of You...