Your Grace finds me in my chaos

In more prayers than I can count I have asked for more patience and grace.  For as long as I can remember it has been a struggle in my life towalk gracefully through a stressful situation.

When we first found out that we were having our newest miracle so soon, I hit my knees asking for Him to be there with an abundance of it.  I knew that I wanted another baby, but like each time before it didn't work out in my time frame.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to be the mother I needed to be to all of these crazy kiddos that depended so much on me. 

After a quite tiring pregnancy, our little miracle came to us in quite a miraculous way!  The first days were awesome, followed by an amazing first couple of weeks with Daddy being home and taking care of most things.  Then came time to transition back to normal.  I wondered would I ever be able to get our house back on schedule.  The answer is NO.  And I am thankful for it. 

Something happened.  God did show up!  Our little princess is now three months and our schedule has been crazily wonderful since she came.  We try to come close to our routine, but there is an amazing Grace each day.  Even in the busiest time in our life, where we are on the go more than ever before, we are doing it together as a family. 

 I have wondered how my kids are doing and if we are doing it right.  Then many times in the past few weeks I have been graciously encouraged by precious women that probably have no idea that I needed to hear their kind words.  Really they were God's words spoken through them. 

So recently when the kids are screaming or dinner doesn't get made, I remember that God has blessed me and our house with a supernatural grace that passes all understanding and  that people are noticing it too.

I am far, far from where I hope to one day be.  I still loose my temper and yell when I shouldn't, but I know that God is growing me.  I am farther than I was last year.  I am blessed!

Mental Shift

So yesterday I wrote a post that was sort of a "poor me " one.  Thankfully God prompted me to save it and not actually post it.  I will have to keep it as a reminder of what I am like when my focus is on me.
It all started out with "I" am tired and "I" am getting bigger.  Then it grew into "I" should ... (lots of things).  It was at an all time high of "you" (whoever, but usually Matt)  should be doing ______ for me.  Which all lead to my pity party I had this weekend.  All the while I was wondering why I was in such a funk and feeling so lousy and eating so much crap in hopes to feel better, but of course not doing the job.  Why I wasn't hearing from God like I wanted to and why my kids were being so crabby!  My husband just didn't understand me and wasn't being very nice.  Well, It should have tipped me off when it was everyone else, right?  No it didn't.
Today I was gently reminded by God, through an amazing pastor, that when my view turned to me (tired, big, overwhelmed) and not to who God was wanting me to pour into, that I was hindering Him from filling me.  I was drained for sure, but not open so that He could give me the replenishment I was asking for and so needing.  It is amazing, I am still as big and pregnant as before and actually on less sleep, but feel more rejuvenated then I have it a bit. 

It isn't suppose to be on how I feel though.  So my shift is to now and will be reshifted as needed in the future to "who" can I help, love, and pour myself into so that my replenishment can come from God.  Which I am sure is a relief to those around me in whom I have been expecting it from as of late.  I will pour more of me in those times of feeling depleted so that refilling will come. 

I am not sure why I am continually in need of refocusing, but this stumbling child seems to "occasionally" get off track.  I am so thankful for a God, and amazing circle of people in my life who are patient with me as I regroup.  And who will stay by me through it all and still accept me when I come to my senses.

So I pray that my view will stay focused on God's leading and those in need.  That I will stay rooted in love and see this hurting world through His eyes.  And that I will daily live as an example of His beautiful, merciful, accepting, replenishing, amazing love to all of those that He graciously brings into my life.  Lord, help me to always keep my eyes on You and let you guide them to those You want me to see.  And never allow me to value myself, feelings, and situation too highly, as there are always those who are in a more desperate situation.  And all that really does is cloud my vision and close myself off to You. 

Peace

I had the most amazing conversation yesterday.  I can't believe that I am married to a man who is so wise when I need him to be.  I am truely blessed more than I give credit for most days.

I have really been struggling with answers.  There are so many that I do not have and don't know how to get.  I didn't realize the effect that it was having on me and my family.  I have been wondering why stress has been coming so easily and fustrations are involved in most of my days.  I have prayed, rebuked, and cried with little change. 

Finally I open up to Matt, like he hasn't notice right?  I told him how I was feeling.  With lots of caution, love, and plenty of God's help, He told me that I need to be okay with making mistakes, not having the answers, and not being able to figure everything out.  Simple, right?  It hit me and hard.  He told me that he and the kids would all be okay if I made a bad decision even a big one.

Why is this a revelation to me?  I know all of this.  I guess just didn't for my own life.  How much more is there that I know, but don't really know it for me?

This has been my distraction!  The enemy has had me so wrapped up in these situations that my growth has been stunted lately.  It is amazing how after just that conversation the weight that has left, the peace that has come, and this morning the revelation I once again received (even though small) by reading His Word. 

Thank you God for awakening me to me, to the distraction.  Help me to not allow distraction in my life! 

You won't win!!

Enemy,

I just wanted to inform you that all the victories God gave me are still mine!  All of the attempts to distract me will not work.  All of the attacks on those that I love are wounding, but never crippling.  I will overcome, I will move forward into all that He has for me.  I will not quit holding on to His promises for my life and my family's.  God's plan will prevail in my life!  You will loose this battle. 

So take note that your attempts are futile!  I have already won!

Kati

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Seeing

I came upstairs and saw your Cinderella doll and your milk cup in the window sill of our room.  When I went into the bathroom the tie to my sweater was tied to the bathroom towel rack.  It really struck me in that moment of how these moments will not last forever and that one day I won't see these little presents you give to me.  One day you will grow up and leave behind these "childish" things, but I hope that you know I will always treasure them.

I went into your room just to see you once more before falling asleep and was once again amazed by how beautiful you are.  I had to just watch you sleep for awhile.  God has truely blessed me with such a wonderful little girl.

I am so thankful when He stops me long enough to take these special moments in.  I pray that I don't allow myself to ever get to busy where I will miss them.

I am off to some much needed sleep, but I might go in one more time to get a short snuggle with my little firstborn.

Imagine

Dare I dream?

A cool river gently running, the water is so refreshing.  Along side there are bluffs to climb and forests to explore.  The excitement and amazement of the beauty that is there to for me to find.  To my delight I discovery something wonderful.  I show You and see the approval on Your face and that You share in my delight.  As I continue in this place of awe and wonder You walk with me, enjoying me.  You are so patient and genuinly happy to just be with me.  You encourage me to go on.  I  run like a child so carefree then I stop to sit by You, to talk, to listen.  You tell me of how much You love me, not for what I've done, but simply for who I am.  My heart is exploding with love and desire for more of You...

I am once again at this point of being able to see how much I have grown and what I have overcome.  I am grateful for His changing me and molding me.  I am happy to see the progress.  Yet I also can see that I have so far to go.  It seems as though when I get through one thing it opens the door to so much more that I have yet to touch.  Sometimes I wish I could live blissfully unaware, but I would be living so shallowly in love and friendship, in peace and hope.

I cling to Him more with the deeper realization of how incompetant I am on my own to become who I am suppose to be.  Even this in my mind it always changing to some degree.  Yet the more I let go of and give to Him the more free that I become.

I have so far to go, but it will not become an idol in my life.  I will focus on His face, who He is, and how He sees me so that one day I can look back and see, all of these things that are now in front of me, far behind.  And yes there will be more that come into focus because I am always a work in progress, but His grace and jealous love for me will continue to move me through.  One day I will stand at His throne and not be able to recognize the person who I was when I started this amazing journey of faith!

Always Grace

I have to admit that last night a bit of fear started to creep in.  I have actually been dealing with it for several days now, fighting it when it starts to look for a grip.  Last night for a moment I allowed it to get to me.  I am disappointed to say.

Just as quickly Your grace reminded me of the promise You gave me.  So I said a weak prayer. I claimed Your promise with a little hope and a touch of conviction.  It strengthened me to take up the fight again.  It comforted me because I know that nothing is outside of Your reach, nothing is too big.  And slowly I became bolder.  In spite of the physical appearance I knew the reality!

Thankfully You always meet me where I am and not where I should be.  Thank You for Your never ending grace that gives me all I need.  And thank you that today I saw Your promise here in the physical!

Yet another promise...

My plan was so different than this.  I had it all figured out, all of the details in order.  I knew exactly what would work best and how to get it.  I told You so many times.  I was deeply saddened and even angry occasionally when You didn't stick to my agenda.  I even questioned Your love for me.

Now looking back, I sit here so amazed as I think that once again You have been so faithful to me.  You always are.  You are changing so many things right now.  It is so much better than I could have ever planned for.  You promised to work out all things for my good and each time I get a glimpse of Your perfect plan it pulls at my heart.  I am so amazed at the perfect details.  How the timing fits just right.  It is so much better!
Life is so thrilling letting You lead.  I get to hold on and enjoy.  There is so much freedom in doing it Your way. 

I never want to go back to that life, so boring and stressful.  Full of fear and worry.  Help me to always and in everything trust You completely.

Here's to you

Well, here's to you 20's.  I learned so much.  When I started this decade I was so different.  I knew more at the beginning than I do now at the end.  It seems to me that wisdom is largely in realizing that you really don't know very much.  I wouldn't trade a single day in my twenties because each one uniquely added to who I have become, but there is only a handful that I would want to relive. 

There are so many things that will mark this decade of my life in my memory my wonderful husband, our courtship and marriage, the birth of our three beautiful girls, my first house of my own to live in, and the list goes on.  This decade is filled with a lot of struggles, but more triumphs; alot of wrong choices, but more grace; a lot of stepping out on my own, but more of Him carrying me; a lot of fear, but more of His comfort; a lot of doubt, but more of His promises. 

There is so much in these beautiful years that I am grateful for, yet I am more excited for the ones ahead.  I am a different woman now compared to 10 years ago.  I am looking forward to all that He has in store for me.  So here I am 30's!

Clinging to You

Where are You?  I know that their hearts are asking this question, wondering why.  I know that they are struggling to see You and the meaning of it all.  I know that their faith is being tested.  They are questioning.

I know that You are there, but I can't see You in this either.  You said that You would never leave or forsake Your's. You said that You will work all things out for good. I know that You are faithful to Your promises.  I am clinging to them with all I have right now.  For me and for them.  Help us see You in this.

Problems give meaning to life

Obstacles are conditions of success. 

A life free of all obstacles and difficulties would reduce all possibilities and powers to zero. 

Eliminate problems and life loses its creative tension.

-John Maxwell

Exercise

I have realized something.  I am a happier, more energetic person when I excercise.  I seem to get more done with a better attitude on the days I excercise.  I feel better about myself and I make better eating choices.  So why do I have to talk myself into it and then drag myself to the TV for the video EVERYDAY?  It just doesn't make sense.

Best Year Yet

My 2009 was definately the best year yet.  I have a stronger faith, a little more patience, and I realize again how much I really don't know (compared to when I was a teenager, then I knew everything).  I have deeper friendships, a better marriage, and more wonderful girls.

I have let a lot go to gain more of Him.  I have seen just a little more of my Father and realized that He really is proud of me.  I've had more prayers answered and spiritual breakthroughs than ever before.

I see that I have so many areas to grow in.  I fail everyday.  But today I looked back and saw how far I have come and I am so grateful.

I believe that 2010 will be EVEN BETTER.  Because that is the wonderful, beautiful, loving God we serve.

Laughter

After being just days before and it not "feeling like Christmas" to me, it turned out to be really great!!  It was extremely busy, but I am so thankful that I have so much family to share it with. 

I enjoyed watching Bella spend three days with her cousin and go from best friends to fighting and back to best friends, over and over.  Seeing the older girls eyes light up when they opened their presents and being even more excited for each other at their gifts. 

I got to see just how loved the twins are by everyone as they proudly wore their spit-up on Christmas bests.   They were held the whole time.  And though they were exhausted they loved every minute.  Now I have two very spoiled 4 month olds.  One of my favorite presents was both of the girls laughed yesterday for the first time.  How perfect!

I got to spend 3 1/2 days with my family without having to worry about any of the normal day to day things.   It was wonderful.  What a great Christmas!

Small amounts

After many tears of failure and prayers to not mess up the next time, only to find myself "next time" in the same place. I never want to doubt You or let You down. It just seemed that I would collapse under the pressure and start to let doubt in.

But You were growing me through it all, growing my faith. I couldn't see the small amounts being added each time that I failed, but reached out to You. I never realized that part of having faith is being able to turn to You when I fail and believe that You will give me the increase to just reached out to You again the next time. Eventually, all of the small amounts add up to a change in behavior.

Today I could see the increase in myself, the change that You made in me in this weak area. The strengthening of my faith and once again an answer to my prayers.

How good You are to me, so undeserved. I am so grateful!

Refreshed

Yesterday I realized just how much I need my friends and my time at church (even if spent in the nursing mothers room). After a stressful week at home, I had a great weekend spending time with friends and with God. Today I feel like I can handle this week with God's grace and with patience.

Hopefully I will still feel the same way come Wednesday :)

Looking Back

I have found a couple of minutes where there is nothing else to do and I have words to write. Several times I have been sitting here in this chair, looking at this same screen and nothing seemed to come.

This time I was looking back at some of my older posts and I am so thankful for how far God has brought me. He has given me so many of my hearts desires. Especially the one of not letting me sit and spoil, but always changing me, growing me, molding me, stripping me down to the root of things and building back something beautiful. Something only He could have seen in me. Thank you Daddy for always seeing in me what I never could. And thank you for being proud of me, another questioned answered. Thank You for helping me to see You and know You more.

Thank You for this moment with You and this next one with my sweet little girl who is crying for her mommy.

A Note on the Board from my husband

I woke up this morning and the note he left said:

I love you so much!
Give Bella a kiss for me!
God has answered our prayers!

It just touched me so. Once again He has answered my prayers. Not that I have
deserved it or that I had the faith that He wanted me to through it. But I have
grown. Maybe one of my biggest "growth spurts" yet. Now I have to tell Him
how sorry I am for the doubt and for wanting at times to give it up. He wouldn't
let me let it go though.

Thank you Lord for not requiring anything from me to make my life wonderful!