umm...is this really me?

Okay, I did my homework and realized that I have some things to work on. To be expected, right. That is why I am taking the class. Then I get to class and realize that I have A LOT to work on. A bit frustrating.

I do try to control Matt to get my way. I do always give my opinion. I do tell him "I told you so" when he is wrong. I do think that I am right most of the time. Could there be anything else. I realized that I am a pretty selfish person, at least with Matt. I cannot believe that I haven't seen this sooner. I actually though that I was helping him. Wow!

Starting now I am jumping off my self made pedestal and practicing zipping my lip. Next time I take this class I want to say. Wow, this IS me!

Off to Cozumel

We are heading out to sea. I am rushing around trying to get everything together. I always get a little worried I am going to forget something important. Until yesterday I was still unsure if I would be able to go. I am feeling better now. By tomorrow the coughing should be mostly gone.

I have been thinking a lot about how this will go, playing out a few senarios in my mind. Why do I do that anyway none of them ever happen the way I imagine. I don't see that anything is getting better. It looks like maybe even a little worse.

Then I realize that I have taken it back from You. I have tried to see how "I" can work it out. I don't want to work it out, I want You to. I know that You will work all things together for my good if I will keep my hands off of it and let You. So again, I give it back to You, apologizing at my arrogance in thinking I knew better than You. Forgive me for not trusting You. I will humbly put myself back behind You instead of running ahead of You and trying to pull You in my direction. Funny, then I wonder why You aren't answering. Thank you for opening my eyes! I love You and will let You lead.

He always brings our view back

I have a couple relationships that seem to always be on a roller coaster. Well this weekend one hit the bottom. I spent the next three days trying to figure out what went wrong, what did I miss, how do I fix this. And dealing with the question of do I even want to fix this, trying to let go of the hurt and not let unforgiveness set in my heart. I asked God several time why did He give me this relationship.

Then I spoke with a good friend who reminded me that she is hurting and to let God show me what is really going on. I felt my heart change and then began to let go of the anger and hurt. I have been where she is and know how it feels.

I don't know how to help her or even if I am suppose to. I just pray God heals her wounds and brings her nearer to Him, that He let her feel His love, and that in His way and timing that the relationship is restored.

Starting next month

Well the test was negative. We are starting on the next month. Amazingly I am not that upset. We have grown this month. Matt supported me so much this month. He strenghtend my faith and gave me hope when I couldn't. My friends were there for me when I really wasn't for them. I realized that although I am not pregnant this month God did amazing things. He reveiled to me how great my husband is and that Matt is always growing to become a better husband and that He has surrounded me with friends that I only dreamed about for so long. My life is awesome.

Whether it be this month or next year I am happy. God will give me my babies. He already told me so. That is all I need for now and I am excited about it. I am grateful that He never lets go of me even when I take my eyes off of Him.

My friends

I love my friends! You guys are all so wonderful. I recieve so much support and encouragement. I can't believe that I lived so many years without friends like you all. Thank you for all your love!! And thank you Anna for commenting on my blog. I love you guys!!!!

It has been a little bit, but I did hear you.

I am sure You were talking all along, but I just wasn't listening.

It is definately life that I recieved when I heard You.

I am thankful for so much and I do remember Your promises.

"I haven't written anything in awhile. Not because there is nothing to say, but because it has been a struggle for me to see the positive lately. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions partly because of the Clomid and partly because the signs keep telling me that it is again not this month. I don't like and am not very good at situations that I can't really change. I always want to fix it. I am a problem solver. "

This is how my post started yesterday. I stopped writing and didn't even publish it because it sounded so drained of faith and hope. I really couldn't even think of much to say that was positive.

God knew yesterday exactly how today would turn out. I wonder why He didn't just give me a good kick and say"Am I not God and have I not taken care of you in bigger situations than these". Instead He let me sit in my negative bubble and still He has given me the best day I have had in months.

I am thankful that once again He has not been fair to me. If God was fair I wouldn't have made it through my teenage years much less be living my dream. I have such a wonderful life. I look around and wonder how could I ever lack in faith. I have so many answered prayers. Especially in these last couple of years. My positive bubble is back and I intend to stay in it!