I have been praying for our country more ever since Pastor said a few weeks ago that he believes that revival is coming and God is going to pour out His Spirit on our country. My heart and thoughts have really been drawn to this a lot lately.

I keep reading all of your blogs and hearing people in our class talking, growing. In my life I am growing probably more in this past year than any other so far. God is revealing Himself, a lot. I know that if it is so prevalent here that it is happening all over this country.

I think that He is preparing us all. Getting us where He wants us. Strengthening us so that we can help carry out His plan for our country. I am sure this has been going on long before I ever came around, but I think that I might actually get to have a very small part in this. It is just such an amazing revelation to me I had to share it.

We were driving to the lake listening to the radio. I was looking out for deer like I usually do on this drive, but it was late and unlikely that I would see any. We were coming to the end of our three and a half hour drive. I was talking to God and trying to have faith. I have had a lot of questions lately and prayers that I haven't seemed to get any answers to. I told God that I just needed to know if He was listening. I asked Him to show me a deer if He was. Within twenty seconds we rounded a turn and saw a momma and two babies on the side of the road. My eyes filled with tears and my heart with gratitude. It was just what I needed.

That night I told Matt what happened. We both laughed that maybe He was also telling us that we would get our twins. I have thought of that almost everyday since and every time it reminds me that God loves me so much and that He loves to show me in ways that are just for me. Also, I have wondered if the twin things was just us or was God showing me that we would really have them.

Tonight on my way home I decided to ask Him. I was a little afraid of His answer, would it be the one I desired? I asked Him that if we were to have twins this month and that is what my deer meant if He would show me another momma and two babies. I peered out of the window, drove fairly slow, and hoped with all my heart. I was coming to the end of Lion's Den road and I told God that it didn't matter I believed anyway. I started to praise Him, more for my need of comfort really.

Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw them. I pulled the car to the shoulder and tried to angle the headlights. YES!!! It was my deer walking into the trees. Once again He told me He loved me and that He does hear me and loves to answer my prayers. What an amazing night.

My view is changing, it is getting bigger. I am realizing how little I knew before and how small of a view I had. He is always growing my view, but lately it is more abundant. I am letting go of the "monkey bars" and trusting God to catch me with more and more of my life. I am a little surprised at how much I still tried to control.

I love this path of growing. It is painful at times, but always worth it. It is amazing to look at where I was when I got married and see how far I have come. I am so grateful that He has brought me through all of the hard times so that I can be here now.

Wow, it has been almost a month since I blogged anything. Everything has been so busy. I keep thinking about what I would do if I knew I had a short time to live. Would I really be this busy? Do these things really have to get done?

Several times today Bella asked to go slide. I had so many things to do that I had already put off all week. I tried to get them all done in time, but at the end of the day it just didn't happen.

At dinner, I told Matt about it and it hit me that I should have taken her to go slide. I drug her around all day, rushing her here and there so that I could get it all done. All she wanted was some "mommy time" and 20 minutes at the playground.

I missed it today. But I thank God that he opened my eyes to it now, rather than when she is 15 and I wonder where the time went. What a perfect time for this book in my life. God definately works it all out perfectly.

umm...is this really me?

Okay, I did my homework and realized that I have some things to work on. To be expected, right. That is why I am taking the class. Then I get to class and realize that I have A LOT to work on. A bit frustrating.

I do try to control Matt to get my way. I do always give my opinion. I do tell him "I told you so" when he is wrong. I do think that I am right most of the time. Could there be anything else. I realized that I am a pretty selfish person, at least with Matt. I cannot believe that I haven't seen this sooner. I actually though that I was helping him. Wow!

Starting now I am jumping off my self made pedestal and practicing zipping my lip. Next time I take this class I want to say. Wow, this IS me!

Off to Cozumel

We are heading out to sea. I am rushing around trying to get everything together. I always get a little worried I am going to forget something important. Until yesterday I was still unsure if I would be able to go. I am feeling better now. By tomorrow the coughing should be mostly gone.

I have been thinking a lot about how this will go, playing out a few senarios in my mind. Why do I do that anyway none of them ever happen the way I imagine. I don't see that anything is getting better. It looks like maybe even a little worse.

Then I realize that I have taken it back from You. I have tried to see how "I" can work it out. I don't want to work it out, I want You to. I know that You will work all things together for my good if I will keep my hands off of it and let You. So again, I give it back to You, apologizing at my arrogance in thinking I knew better than You. Forgive me for not trusting You. I will humbly put myself back behind You instead of running ahead of You and trying to pull You in my direction. Funny, then I wonder why You aren't answering. Thank you for opening my eyes! I love You and will let You lead.

He always brings our view back

I have a couple relationships that seem to always be on a roller coaster. Well this weekend one hit the bottom. I spent the next three days trying to figure out what went wrong, what did I miss, how do I fix this. And dealing with the question of do I even want to fix this, trying to let go of the hurt and not let unforgiveness set in my heart. I asked God several time why did He give me this relationship.

Then I spoke with a good friend who reminded me that she is hurting and to let God show me what is really going on. I felt my heart change and then began to let go of the anger and hurt. I have been where she is and know how it feels.

I don't know how to help her or even if I am suppose to. I just pray God heals her wounds and brings her nearer to Him, that He let her feel His love, and that in His way and timing that the relationship is restored.

Starting next month

Well the test was negative. We are starting on the next month. Amazingly I am not that upset. We have grown this month. Matt supported me so much this month. He strenghtend my faith and gave me hope when I couldn't. My friends were there for me when I really wasn't for them. I realized that although I am not pregnant this month God did amazing things. He reveiled to me how great my husband is and that Matt is always growing to become a better husband and that He has surrounded me with friends that I only dreamed about for so long. My life is awesome.

Whether it be this month or next year I am happy. God will give me my babies. He already told me so. That is all I need for now and I am excited about it. I am grateful that He never lets go of me even when I take my eyes off of Him.

My friends

I love my friends! You guys are all so wonderful. I recieve so much support and encouragement. I can't believe that I lived so many years without friends like you all. Thank you for all your love!! And thank you Anna for commenting on my blog. I love you guys!!!!

It has been a little bit, but I did hear you.

I am sure You were talking all along, but I just wasn't listening.

It is definately life that I recieved when I heard You.

I am thankful for so much and I do remember Your promises.

"I haven't written anything in awhile. Not because there is nothing to say, but because it has been a struggle for me to see the positive lately. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions partly because of the Clomid and partly because the signs keep telling me that it is again not this month. I don't like and am not very good at situations that I can't really change. I always want to fix it. I am a problem solver. "

This is how my post started yesterday. I stopped writing and didn't even publish it because it sounded so drained of faith and hope. I really couldn't even think of much to say that was positive.

God knew yesterday exactly how today would turn out. I wonder why He didn't just give me a good kick and say"Am I not God and have I not taken care of you in bigger situations than these". Instead He let me sit in my negative bubble and still He has given me the best day I have had in months.

I am thankful that once again He has not been fair to me. If God was fair I wouldn't have made it through my teenage years much less be living my dream. I have such a wonderful life. I look around and wonder how could I ever lack in faith. I have so many answered prayers. Especially in these last couple of years. My positive bubble is back and I intend to stay in it!

My trial

Lord, I cry out to you for mercy and redemption. I let the cares of this world take me by the hand. Now the world has come to take it's revenge. How could I have been so weak. Yet i know that You are merciful and forgiving. I ask first for you to forgive me and make me whole. Forgive me for not trusting You and trying to take control. Strengthen me through this. Second I ask for Your mercy and provision to get me through. Provide a way like You always do. Thank You for all You do. I love You!

I get to miss you

You are gone for the weedend and,

I get to spend girl time with Bella.

I get to really get the house cleaned.

I get to catch up on laundry.

I get to hang out with friends.

I get to organize my week.

Now that is all done and now,

I get to miss you.

Letting go

I am holding on to Your word, knowing that You have heard me. I trust Your faithfulness. I am letting go of it and giving it to You. You have placed this desire in my heart. I know that You will bring it to pass.

Ps 37:4-5 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Committ your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."

Great weekends

How better to connect than in a long car ride.

Sometimes I look forward to our trips just for that time. Hours to just talk.

Sitting there, like when we first started dating, just waiting for you to take my hand. But not wanting to ask so that it means more.

Talking about our dreams, the people we will touch, the children we will have, and the blessings we will give.

Looking at where we are and where we have come from and being so grateful for all of God's many blessings.

I would take a trip with you anywhere.

Same Yet Different

We see the same situation and the same facts. We both see all of the possibilities and circumstances. How do we seem to come to such different conclusions. We agree to each other's points. Yet still we see it differently. I guess it is just what we see as important points that lead us to our feelings.

You help me see in ways that I don't normally see. You show me what I miss either completely or just in part. You paint the other half to my picture. Some times it can be a bit frustrating that we rarely agree at first, but then I realize if we did there is a good chance that we were missing something important.

Faithfulness

In the past couple days I have seen an abundance of God's faithfulness to his children. From seemingly unimportant things to life changing blessings. I asked for God to show me my whale. He has definately shown me my beach of starfish instead. It is amazing to see His hand at work everywhere I look. Lord, You truly are faithful.

A Quiet Spirit

A quiet spirit is not natural for me. I almost always have an opinion and without thinking will share it quickly. Over this past year I have been practicing a quiet spirit. I have really focused on restraint of my tongue and put effort into making it a habit.

It is sometimes frustrating when I see that most people do not recognized all of my efforts. Those who are close to me and spend a lot of time with me. I have a lot more to room to grow in this area and still take steps backwards from time to time. Yet looking back just a few years ago I can see much growth.

Then it reminds me how important it is to not allow yourself to get into bad habits. It takes much more time than we would like for others to notice a changed behavior, many times it is long after you began to change. But God does know our hearts and does rewards our efforts, encourages us to keep going, picks us up when we fall, and gives us the strength we need to achieve our goal.

You went on the potty!!

You went on the potty this morning, yeah! I am realizing how time consuming potty training is. It will teach me patience I am sure. And focus as well. I have to remember to keep asking over and over. I have learned the hard way that right now if I don't ask you won't remember.

You looked so proud when you did go and mommy cheered for you. I memory that I will cherish. My little girl is growing up.

I want to be happy for you, but instead my heart aches because I can see the road ahead.
I fear for you the disappointment you are facing. I have been there before.

To remain trusting in Him isn't always easy. To be led through the refinery many times
brings much pain, but as you said His desire is to see His reflection in you.

Why do many times we have to learn the hard way?

Just Learning

I learn new things all the time and wonder how I have missed it for so long. I am now learning this new (for me) way to journal my thoughts and compile my feelings. This life is so awesome. How great is it to be created in His image!